Trellises

“You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.”

If you’re like me, you may have heard this quote (attributed to Jim Rohn) and been intrigued. Maybe you thought about the 5 people closest to you. And then you decided if you believe it or not – whether you can prove or disprove this theory. I looked it up and saw an article by Dave Burkus that started with, “You’re NOT the average of the five people you surround yourself with” – ah ha! But then it went on to say that those 5 are a huge influence on you, and it’s actually way bigger than that. In fact, you are the average of lots of people who surround you, according to studies on social influence. Even friends of your friends who you’ve never met influence you! It’s a fact: the people we hang out with eventually influence our attitudes, our beliefs, our habits, and even our health.

You’ve probably observed these influences at some point in someone else (we’re not so good at seeing it in ourselves). But maybe your friend or relative has a shift in their friends, social group, boyfriend/girlfriend, job, family dynamics – and we begin to see the change. Maybe they start using phrases they never used before. Maybe they show more patience – or more complaints. Maybe they exhibit more kindness – or more of a me-first approach. My best friends inspire me to be a better person than I am.

I was recently noticing that when I read or hear someone else use a certain word or phrase, my brain stores it and wants to repeat it moments later – even though I think it’s my own original thought! And if I’m texting, I may go to text them back only to realize, “Oh man, that word in my head is the word they just used – I have to come up with my own.” (Or maybe the rest of you don’t edit your texts like some obsessive writers.) 😊

Yes, we are influenced. We live in a world where normal people make a living as influencers selling products or ideas or interests – and before you know it, we’re buying it. Because we are influenced simply by exposure. I follow some home and DIY influencers on Instagram. Before going to sleep, I scroll through subconsciously noting a new thing I “need” or a new project I could do. Repurposed outdoor chandelier, anyone?

But God is there in the background of my life whispering, “Maybe just stop for a minute, Terri. And be honest: what and who is influencing you the most right now? What are you giving your attention to?”

As I mentioned in my last blog post, I’m reading “The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry,” by John Mark Comer. It’s an insightful book that makes us look at some things we’re often too distracted to think about. Things like:

“What you give your attention to is the person you become.” (Comer)

and …

“Attention is the beginning of devotion.” (Mary Oliver) 

If someone else observed me closely, what would they say I’m devoted to?

If we are to be Christians, then we can’t just think, “Yep, I’m a Christian,” and go on with our mostly Christ-less life. To be a Christian means to become Jesus’ apprentice: To give Him much of our attention and learn how He did things and decide to implement them in our own life. 

In other words, if I want to be a Christ-follower, a woman after God’s heart, a Jesus apprentice – then HE must become the greatest influencer on my mind and heart. HE must be the one I spend the most time with. HE must have my attention and my devotion. He must be the #1 above the other 5 (or many more) people I give my attention to.

“We are only at home in God.” – Dallas Willard

My Mom was my best up-close example of someone who prioritized spending daily time with God. She got up early every morning around 5 a.m. (The rest of us were night owls who did not get up at 5 a.m.) She made a cup of coffee and then she sat down with her Bible, devotional book, journal, and pen. She prayed, she read, and she jotted down thoughts. Often, she made a list of things she was thankful for. And often, she would write notes to people – notes of love, thoughtfulness, and encouragement. She started every day alone with God. Quietly in the dark with no show of it for others to see. I wonder at all the secrets she shared with her Father. And then Mom re-entered her day, ready. Basically, my Mom was so beautiful in her daily life – so filled with grace and love – that she alone convinces me that morning time with God is worthwhile.  

And then there’s Jesus. Scripture is clear: Jesus highly valued solitude with God. In Comer’s book, he describes four spiritual disciplines (think practices or habits that we choose to develop) that Jesus modeled. And the first one – and he says, the most important – is solitude. Let me define solitude – NOT as loneliness or isolation – but as getting away from the distractions and busyness of this world for intentional communion with God. There are many places in the Bible where it documents Jesus getting away for time alone with His Father, slipping away from everyone else at night or early in the morning. In the midst of demands, constant crowds, even threats – He went through it all – and solitude was absolutely essential to Him. 

“Without solitude, it is virtually impossible to live a spiritual life.” – Henri Nouwen

The difference between not practicing the Jesus soul habit of solitude and practicing it daily is night and day. The person and life that evolves from this choice couldn’t be more different. The YOU and ME that results from this choice will become different people.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I chose … “

If you ever look at my Facebook stories, then you know that I love flowers and working in my yard. (“Gardener” is too lofty a term for someone like me who just kinda eagerly bumbles along.) Last year, the clematis I planted a couple years before went wild. It grew up over the cedar trellis that I had carefully chosen for it – and it went up and up and started growing up the roof of my house. The problem was that the cedar trellis was coming apart and just wasn’t strong enough for a monster plant – some of the nails that held the trellis together came apart. The whole thing toppled down a couple of times last summer and had to be propped back up. Pretty sketchy. 

So this spring, when the clematis started growing back, I took the broken-down cedar trellis out and replaced it with a heavy-duty iron trellis that can facilitate the growth of my clematis. It was actually hard to find one sturdy enough for my girl – took some effort. But so far, she’s doing great and the trellis is perfect.   

And that seems to be a pretty good picture of what happens when the trellis we’ve built our Christianity on begins to fall apart and needs some maintenance.  

If He is the vine and we are the branches, and we must remain in Him (see John 15) to do anything, then we need a strong structure – a trellis – to grow on so we’re not trampled and diseased. These spiritual disciplines (silence and solitude, Sabbath, simplicity, slowing) are not legalistic goals – rather, they’re a means to the goal of knowing and growing in God – becoming like Him. They become our iron trellis. 

The time spent with Him may begin as a practice or a discipline – maybe awkward or cumbersome – but it soon becomes a trellis that allows me to grow and spread out and blossom as I’m connected to the vine. It becomes an agent of transformation. 

In this season of having to walk with a dumb cane and actually not walk too much at all because of a dumb knee (see last blog post – Ruthless), God has been teaching me to slow down. And I’m still very much in the learning stage, but I already think that the lessons of being present, slowing down, refocusing my attention, and learning what it means to be devoted are going to far outweigh the knee situation.

So I’ve started getting up earlier for time with God every morning before work. I am more of a night person, so I prayed, “Lord, would you help me get up earlier?” And you know what immediately popped into my mind? “Terri, stop scrolling through your phone before you go to sleep.” Well!! Okay, Lord – yes, I’ll do it.

I’ve done morning devotions for decades, but this is different. My only agenda is to be close to God. I’m not trying to use it for a Bible reading plan or to read from 3 devotional books. I’m not bringing my list of prayer requests to this time with Him. Those are wonderful things – far be it from me to discourage anyone from those great habits. Those are things I will fit in at other times. It’s just that this time is different. Time to be Calm. Breathe. Reflect. Maybe read one verse or one passage or Psalm and ask Him what I can learn from it. Tell Him my heart. Listen for His voice. Just me and God shutting everything else out and connecting. It’s already an abundant time that sets the course for my day. And I even look forward to getting up earlier! (Who even am I? 😁)

“You have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in You.” 

– St. Augustine

I do understand that we go through stages of life that are crazy busy. And our solitude with God may be different then than in a season with more time. But I guess I would ask you to think about it and write it down:

What time will you meet with Him? 

Where? 

For how long? 

And then do it. 

Because we have to get past saying we’re Christians but also saying we’re too busy & losing track of God. We have to quit saying we’re putting Him first in our lives when we barely spend time with Him. We have to build a trellis for our relationship with God – the most critical thing in our lives and our eternity – to grow on.

And turns out? It’s the most delightful, restful, joy-giving thing we can do.

“I’m asking God for one thing, 

Only one thing:

To live with him in his house

My whole life long.

I’ll contemplate his beauty;

I’ll study at his feet.

That’s the only quiet, secure place

In a noisy world,

The perfect getaway,

Far from the buzz of traffic. – Psalm 27:4-5 (MSG)

Our actions reflect our hearts – and our hearts reflect our attention and devotion.

Lord, we are ready to be at home in You.

“Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can’t bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can’t bear fruit unless you are joined with me.” – Jesus (John 15:4 MSG)