The Big Three

For the most part, let me just say please do not take mothering advice from me. I recall a brief moment of glory when I stacked neat rows of cut celery and carrots in the frig to inspire a lifelong foundation of healthy snacking in my girls. That foundation lasted four days. I was the homeschool mom serving up Doritos, Poptarts, and Mountain Dew at sleep-overs to kids who usually lived on homemade granola and drank milk from the cow. Other moms made homemade pizza dough and shared sourdough starters. We ordered Highland House pizza on Friday nights. (Hey, it was good!) Do not ask me how my daughters got to the place where they eat healthy and run marathons and teach kick-boxing and stuff. I’m mystified. Although I DID have a pretty good karate kick I learned from Billy Blanks in my Tae-Bo days and I like to think that lives on in Gillian’s subconscious as her first and best example. Ha!

And perhaps you’ve heard of the homeschoolers who graduate from college at age 15 or win the National Spelling Bee, etc. etc. Well, my kids didn’t do that. But we did have an amazing group of homeschooled peers and parents as friends. I mean these friends played the cello at age 5 and achieved off-the-chart ACT scores and started businesses and did a gazillion things quite happily. Plus they were fun! So much so that our struggle became having enough time for that thing called … academics. Between all the music stuff and horses, soccer, dance, biology groups, and church activities, we did not lack for socialization.

One of my favorite memories is when I helped my girls and best friend, Alaina, make an exciting video called “Peeps Ride” one Easter. It was based on the girls’ choir song called Windy Nights, only in our version, marshmallow peeps rode Breyer horses and drank beer. Those peeps were a wild group. (I was the pianist for this musical extravaganza.) Honestly having kids was a great excuse to get to still be part-kid (although it was discouraging to realize I related more to Squidward than to SpongeBob).

I also confess to a thing I call “Facebook Classics” – this is where I see something ridiculous on Facebook and secretly take a screenshot to send to the girls. Or the number of times I cropped pics of friends’ or boyfriends’ heads to be in our JibJab music “videos” which were always good for a laugh. Please don’t ask about the church hula competition gone awry and the rock music theme VBS I helped organize. Clearly I was a mature parental figure.

Oh, and my serious blog posts where maybe you’ve read about all the important things God has been teaching me? These come from the woman who used to tell her children, “Patience is the worst virtue.” So, as you can tell, I needed lots of teaching. I have been … and still am … a work in progress, thanks be to God for His patience with me! I’m the one who got in trouble with Regan in Europe for taking photos of things I wasn’t supposed to take photos of – not once, but twice! “I’m sorry, I didn’t see the huge signs everywhere, officer.” Regan: “Mom!” (But seriously, I just crossed an ocean, sir — please don’t stop me from taking photos of Mozart’s actual childhood violin and the tiny pianoforte he played!)

Anyway, if you want to hear all the embarrassing things about me, Regan is the one to ask. She has it all stored in her brain. She gave me a sweet “What I Love About Mom” book a few years back in which she wrote to me, “If you were a dance, you’d be disco.” She also complimented my excellent puns and praised her mom for “not letting me walk out into the street while reading.” Wow. I really set the bar high, parents.

But the girls grew up, the karate kicks got harder, and I don’t even have cable TV now so SpongeBob doesn’t come around too often. I don’t drink pop anymore and am more likely to eat healthy. And if I’m honest, I’d have to say I have some really big regrets as a Mom and I made huge mistakes. Galore. Life wasn’t all peeps riding.   

And I’ve found, as maybe some of you have, that parenting doesn’t end when your kids grow up. In fact, that’s a common surprise I think a lot of we less-than-young moms share. We pictured our mom-work being done after high school – or certainly after college. And we thought there would be no more worries for our precious kids by then. And that we would no longer be second-guessing ourselves and our parenting decisions. Right, parents? Ha! The truth is, life’s challenges never end. Our relationships with our kids may change, but this is still such an important time with them. You know what? It’s a really amazing, precious time.

And so (as I often got things wrong), God has used this time to teach me a few things about this stage of life as a Mom. Mostly that there are three big things to do when your children become adults. Just three. (When there’s three or less, I can still remember them without checking my phone notes!) Also, I have tested this Theory of The Big Three for several years now and I can’t find a flaw in it. It never fails. So without further adieu, here are The Big Three:

1. Love your adult kids big. Love them just as they are. Love them in your heart so much that you can’t help but show it and say it plenty. You can’t overdo this. Don’t think “if only this were different” – just love. Your adult children may not show it or even consciously think of it, but they still need to know you love them no matter what. Allow yourself to enjoy this time even when it’s not perfect. If you were great at this when they were younger, great! Keep at it! If you weren’t, here’s your chance for redemption.
2. Pray for them ceaselessly. There may be times in life when this means praying for them 20 times a day – other times, not as often – but faithfully bring them to the Father. This is your spiritual warfare. You are their Warrior — right from your living room or driver’s seat or bed at night. No one loves your child like you do – do all the undercover heavy lifting for them through prayer. My wonderful mom prayed for me and my girls every single day and I personally believe those prayers are still resounding in God’s ears for us and kicking Satan’s bottom. (I’m so sorry. I tried to think which word my Mom would use there and that’s what I came up with.)
3. Live out God for them to see. Don’t make this into work. Don’t try to fake it or force it. Just be so God-saturated that He shows in you as you live your life. Rick Thomas (Christian counselor) says, “Our kids are not listening to us as much as they are absorbing us … the way that you live Christ out or not speaks louder than the words you communicate. Our primary responsibility to our children is to become the very people that we want them to be.” Wow! This counseling advice sounds so much easier than it is, right, parents? But I stand by it – I’ve found it’s only possible when I remain living so closely with God daily.

Those are The Big Three. Not sure how to handle an old problematic conflict with your kids? Try The Big Three. Need to break a bad cycle? The Big Three! Worried over a new development? Go back to The Big Three. Life going smoothly for now? Yep, still The Big Three.

And actually, you really can’t go wrong with applying these three to any relationship that’s important to you.

They may even transform your relationships over time.

If you’re someone who feels like you weren’t the perfect parent – or you’re still beating yourself up for the mistakes you made, let me encourage you today. I have precious and (I’m sure) foundational memories of my Mom from when I was a child, but my most clear memories of her are from my adult years. My mom was the very best at The Big Three. She aged through the various stages of adulthood with such grace. Without me realizing it, she was laying out a blueprint for me to follow as I came along 30 years behind her. It’s one of the most important gifts I’ve ever received. Think about it, parents — your adult children need to see how you handle all of the challenges of adulthood and growing older. It’s never too late to begin.

I guess I could tell you some other things I’ve haplessly learned along the way. Like don’t be afraid to ask your kids for forgiveness. Don’t hold onto hurts with loved ones – be like my Mom and just silently decide to forgive over and over without anyone asking. Get to know the adults they have become and love them right in that place. Yes, even if you’re still worried about them. Treasure the commonalities you share and also recognize their individual strengths. Tell them what you love about them! That you’re so very proud of them. That you can’t even believe the things they’ve mastered. (My girls astonish me all the time!) Enjoy them. Laugh with them. Do crazy stuff together. Seize opportunities. Don’t leave any love on the table.

But wait. What about those worries for our kids? Do we just ignore them and zip the lip? Each situation is unique, so I strongly recommend seeking the Holy Spirit’s clear guidance before speaking anything that could be taken as hurtful or critical. Some years back, I read some very wise advice from counselor Rick Thomas – it went something like, “Sometimes we have to build a bridge to carry the Truth across.” I have never forgotten. Sometimes the bridge-building takes many years and it builds up lots of patience in us. Sometimes you might feel like you’re hanging out over a precipice as you build with love and maybe see no positive change. But we never lose by building bridges with people we love. And the construction process can be quite beautiful and we may even find it transforming us as we trust in God to be the ultimate Savior.

And for heaven’s sake, don’t be perfect. About five years ago, with divorce looming, I was lamenting to God that I could no longer hang onto the perfect life that I had tried so hard to give my girls. And I heard Him speak so clearly in my brain (like He once in awhile does), “What if they need to see that it’s okay not to be perfect?” That was a revelatory moment for me — that insight began to open up some important truths and changes for me as a Christian, person, and a mom.

One last thing: I have to admit I’ve learned that patience really is a very valuable virtue. (sigh.) And a fruit of the Spirit … a result of God’s Spirit living in us and teaching us to trust in Him to work over time so that we can focus on The Big Three — and leave the rest to Him – the One who loves them even more than we do. He is faithful, friends. He is faithful to a thousand generations. Be patient and wait on Him.

Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” – John 13:7

Know this: God, your God, is God indeed, a God you can depend upon. He keeps his covenant of loyal love with those who love him and observe his commandments for a thousand generations. – Deuteronomy 7:9